Movies

The Ice Road

Apparently Netflix paid 18 million for this absolute travesty of a movie. 18 million. Seeing as they like just throwing away their money, can I have some it? Can you all just toss out money randomly to people? It’d be the same as buying the rights to trash like this. Written and directed by a man who should stop writing movies as all he knows how to write is garbage – one Johnathan Hensleigh. Responsible for such atrocities as Armageddon, 2004’s Punisher, and Die Hard with a Vengeance. The Ice Road is the latest in a scheme of possible money laundering while also being yet another adaptation of the excellent Wages of Fear. Seems writers are hesitant to create an original idea because that would demonstrate having a brain to the rest of the world, something this writer lacks.

The Ice Road is Liam Neeson’s latest paycheck, and I don’t know if he’s starving for money or something, but he definitely needs a new agent. Same with Laurence Fishburne, and anyone of large standings. All the newcomers, I understand being in the movie. Gotta get your name out there, somehow. The plot, which should be simple, decides to add in a bit of revenge and conspiracy thriller into the mix. Three large rigs carrying 30 ton wellheads must be delivered to the Katka diamond mine to save 26 trapped miners. But wait, there’s more! The company in charge cut corners and doesn’t wanna spend the money to save the miners so they put their inside man with the drivers to cause them to fail. Things get personal.

Such brilliant highlights include: putting gasoline in a diesel engine and still driving mostly 20 hours before the engine fails (it would within 2 minutes of starting), being impaled by a tree branch nearly a foot long and pulling it out without bleeding to death in minutes, being submerged in -30 degree water for 5 minutes before being rescued and surviving, being rammed on the driver’s side of a truck by a large rig and tumbling down the side of a mountain and coming out without a scratch. But wait, there’s more! Which you’ll have to discover on your own because I can’t be bothered to spend another minute thinking about this trash heap.

Do not watch this filth. This idiocracy from the mind behind Armageddon should never have received any money to begin with. Its budget should have been 0 because it never should have been made. Whoever at Netflix thought to waste money on it should be removed from that position and never be given such choice again. But I’m serious Netflix, since you’re in the habit of wasting money, how about you toss it my way?

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